Feeling...

Helpless
Guilty
Angry
Sad
Lost

I want to text her. I want to speak to her.

I'm feeling like life is unfair at the minute, why did she have to be taken? Why did she get her second chance for it all to be taken away just days later? Why did I get my transplant before her? I could have survived years on dialysis, my situation wasn't life and death so why me? Luck of the draw... there is no rhyme or reason for these things.

I'm probably being selfish writing all of this down, but hey this is what blogs are for isn't it? If I am feeling like this, I can't begin to imagine how her family is feeling right now.

I received a christmas card off Jess before christmas, she was always thinking of others and insisted on sending me one, I told her not to bother and she replied Yes I want to, you are my friend. Jess was typically like that, always caring for others, asking how you are when she was the one struggling and needed the attention. This will be the last card I get off Jess... the day I received it I typed a twitter update saying please don't let this be the last christmas card Jess sends me... encouraging people to sign the Organ Donor Register so this wasn't the case...little did I actually know that it would be. I will now treasure this card that she took the time to write to me.

A couple of weeks ago after she received her transplant I bought Jess a cheap tacky present, It is now sitting on my desk, its hard to know that she will never get to see it. (It might be best that she doesn't it was pretty cheesy!)

As you can probably tell I'm finding it hard to write everything down that I want to, its hard to find the words.

I've bought my first ever with sympathy card... I should be buying Jess a Happy transplant card! I've had to dig out a black dress... I should be getting out a little black dress for us to go out together not to be going to her funeral!

Even though she is no longer with us, she is still doing her thing and raising awareness about Organ Donation... see some articles here.

This is how I will remember her, always smiling, never complaining.
Courageous, inspiring, generous, caring, funny.

Song of the day today is I Wish by R Kelly, (the chorus) with the lyrics...

"I know you're in a better place, And you know I can see your face. I know you're smiling down on me, Saying everything's okay."